Pile Up

Cindy insisted that I leave the hospital last night and the night before to catch up on some sleep.  I guess I am becoming a little short with things. Just changing locations doesn’t necessary change your ability to sleep.

I got a call from her late morning stating that Adam wasn’t doing well.  Adam hasn’t been able to eat since surgery, if fact very little the entire 11 days he has been in the hospital. He has been very fatigued and throwing up often. The back of his head continues to weep or leak from several areas along his incision.

When Adam throws up the only thing that comes up is bile.. there is no food in his stomach, there is little to no water, except what he drinks when giving him is oral medications.

Problem: These are possible signs of a bigger problem, the doctors don’t always want to tell you too much until they have time to think it over and look at some more data.

I am rushing back to the hospital but hit a pile up of traffic on I-4.. It looks more like a parking lot than an interstate… my heart is racing, my guilt is sky rocketing, knowing I shouldn’t have taken time away from his side to escape for a while…I should have been at the hospital…come on traffic…MOVE!

The doctor ordered an immediate CT Scan for Adam.  I just got to the hospital, saw the Boehner family in the lobby waiting to see Adam.  I rushed to Adam’s room but we had to move..the bed driver was there and they had the equipment waiting.  I went back and apologized to the Boehner’s…please forgive us… we so appreciate you making the journey to the hospital.. Please tell Brigham we are so grateful that he is Adam’s friend.  We had to rush him down to the imaging area for the CT scan. Things are piling up rapidly.

I can not explain the panic; I can not explain the helplessness; I can not explain the inner feelings you feel when your child is not responding, when his head is swollen and bleeding, causing blood spots on his pillow case. My emotions are piling up… I feel trapped, I can’t help him.

Adam’s color is not good… much more pale than it has been, he is sweating a great deal, more than he should.. we have the room on full cold and yet he sweats.  Most of his bandages and the medical tape over his IV’s continue to come loose because he is perspiring so much.

When I look at him in his hospital bed, so catatonic, so lifeless, so weak, just laying there …my soul groans from within.. it groans with a pain that’s not normal…its deeper:  Wanting so much for this to pass and for him to come back from the shadows, to come back to us.  I have, I believe, a small understanding what it means when the scriptures tell us that the Savior “groaned within himself.”  The Depth of feeling is something very  profound,…it’s hard to understand and even more difficult to explain… It can not be found from within, it has to be found from without.  The only source of balm, the only source of comfort from this pain comes from the Father… Christ set the example in all things, He taught us if we will but look to His example…in these moments He taught us to pray to the Father… Seek the Father as He holds the healing balm for an uncomforted soul through His Son… So simple, yet so hidden… until you experience it.

We are waiting for the doctors to read the CT scan and tell us the results… waiting and waiting…. Time can move so slow when the anguish is great…. I wonder if time moves this slow in Hades…. if so it will be a long painful stay.

The Day Before:

Yesterday was a better day than today.  Adam was working on his speech therapy and physical therapy with several individuals. For me it is difficult to watch him go through these motions:  In my minds eye I see the old Adam, the  big, strong, happy, lovable kid, and now all I see is a shell of that boy… yet I find solace in these moments.. Knowing…hoping for a better tomorrow.

I am attaching a few clips from some of those sessions.  Each session only lasts for 10-15 minutes… then he is wore out and needs to rest.. We have only recorded a short portion of these workouts… from the video you can see the blood spots on his pillow case.

During speech therapy his lips are trying to make the sounds, but they are not puckering up to help form the words.  His lips remain flat when he tries to talk. His voice is very soft and his eyes show a lack of comprehension… yet he tries and continues to try, I know he understands some of the world around him.

He is a fighter, fighting the fight of his youthful life.

Keep fighting Adam… We are here… Please know that we are here by your side, now and forever. Mom & Dad.